he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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