Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
