OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
