a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
