can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
