Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
