if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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