Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
