I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
