I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
