i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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