Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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