Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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