I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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