Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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