I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have feelings that need drinking.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So here I am, sexting at work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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