I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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