He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
