I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
