I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
