I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
