Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
