you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
