Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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