Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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