sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
