I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
