well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
