Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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