my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
