Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just gargled with NyQuil
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
