I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
