who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
