i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
