we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
