Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
