Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
