Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize