I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
