this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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