apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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