I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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