Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
