3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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