he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
