I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
