On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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