you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
