omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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