how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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