how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
