My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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